Guest Post: Written By Sarah from http://cookiesmokebreak.wordpress.com/
We had a rough start her and me. I was induced on my
due date due to a two vessel umbilical cord and let's just say some integral
parts of me were not even aware I was pregnant. So 55 hours later my labour was
declared "failure to progress" and my daughter was born via a c
section at one in the morning. My husband held her first and he introduced us.
I was so preoccupied with being awake during a surgery and so high on morphine
that the moment wasn't as special as I would have liked it to be. Then after
some time we went back to our room and that was it, we had a baby to take care
of.
We were both exhausted after being up for a few days
and experiencing a roller coaster of emotions of the last little while. Also I
was still super high and so, so itchy (a side effect of the morphine). We got
through it but it was far from magical. She came home and I thought, “Ok here
we go, now I'll feel better,” but I didn't. I was struggling with breast
feeding and I was combative with everyone. In hindsight I think I was expecting
a little sympathy for what I'd been through, like "Oh you poor thing, here
let me just take this needy baby away, you need to rest."
I recently had my gallbladder out and was shocked at
the doctor's orders to take it easy for two weeks and how much people wanted to
help me. I have major abdominal surgery like a c section and they handed me an
infant needing 24 hour care and say, "Ok, take care – congratulations!"
Some mothers are born alongside their babies and some like me are dragged into
motherhood kicking and screaming.
I was shocked at how much my world changed and how
much was expected of me. I like being good at things and I felt like a duck out
of water. After a few days we went to the breast feeding clinic and things were
serious, she was not getting enough food and the nurse said "It's a good
thing you came in, if you had waited another day you probably would have had
trouble waking her up.” That was a dark day. A friend came over and I was
practically hysterical. I was sure I had made a huge mistake and all signs were
pointing to me not being meant to be a mother. She and my husband talked me off
the cliff and I kept plugging away, but it was hard.
Then one night I was holding her and looking at her
and something clicked. It wasn't about me anymore (ok well not just me, anyway)
it was about her. I had to get a grip for her, I had to grow some confidence
and stop taking everyone's advice as criticism, for her. She needed me to be
better so I could take the best care of her. I told my husband to get the
camera so I could have a picture of that moment. That's when I became a mom.
At wasn't all awesome and magical from that moment on, but I kept getting
pushed to my max and then discovering I had more in me to give. My soul
needed time to grow and stretch in order to learn to be selfless and get that
this little baby needed me and only me and when I dropped everything else and
stopped resenting the job and embraced motherhood I felt the all love that was
missing.
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